It’s two A.M. I must be lonely… (to paraphrase a Matchbox Twenty song.)
I have to be up in four hours’ time. I’m deciding whether to publish this or not after work tomorrow… if it’s here, I clearly thought I would.
I’ve a feeling my brain is slowly grinding to a halt. It’s happening incredibly gradually but I can feel it, notice the differences in how I’m behaving.
There are days when all’s well, I’m perfectly chipper and all the words I need are at my disposal. But there are others when I can’t remember anything that’s happened, or sometimes happening, at all. I can’t seem to store conversations, so I repeat myself, or forget arrangements. Those days are accompanied by terrible foot in mouth situations too. I can’t seem to stem the tide of rubbish that flows out, can’t regulate what I say to not upset people.
I have a wide variety of close friends. And I care for them all dearly. But because they’re so different, being the person they need requires a unique set of attributes from me. This is partly becuase as a person I’m not who they made friends with anymore, again for a variety of circumstances.
Having a full time job has given me a focus and stability in one area, but other parts of my life, ones I’d considered settled, have been prodded about significantly and have now collapsed on themselves. So there are parts of my life and thoughts going round my brain which haven’t been there for ages. Stuff I’m not used to.
Finally, my self-esteem is at an all time low. Again, that’s not helping battle the mental things going on in here.
What, in the name of sweet Jesus, was I going to write about…?!
